The path to self discovery is paved with Dreams and Fears. They stand on opposing ends, armed to the teeth, pitted against each other, the road the dividing line. Each side has its best weapon tucked away for safe keeping. Dream tells of the ideas you have for your future, the joy of living in that space where reality meets the plans. Fear slowly unravels the memories, of that time you failed and lost the prize in school or points out that rejection letter sitting on your dining table. They often tussle, gripped by each other fiercely, one always gaining leverage and able to dominate the other. If only for a moment a winner shines through until the next bend in the road, then the battle waged in the mind starts anew.
As I lay wrapped in sheets (we do what we must to reduce that hydro bill!) I sit here writing as I think on my plans for the new year. Not one to make the resolutions that I valiantly attempt to follow, until something- anything really- detracts me from my goal I decided on a different route.
My goals usually sit there tired, forgotten and dust collected until I brush it off, flailing it around, come December getting it ready fr the following year. The internet and media remind me of this our ritual, what we do to try to change who we are- hopefully for the better- I once again feel the spark to renew the promise to begin the resolution dance. I snuff my compulsion in that moment as the clock counts down to midnight, I remind myself once again to not fall into that enticing trap.
It is often fear the puts the breaks on, that wins if you will, and I remain in the aftermath, defeated and frustrated at my lack of action; I procrastinate putting off what I see as my inevitable failure. I have a typical 9 to 5 job but I have forever longed to embrace my creative side. I decided to finally do something drastic, taking a friend’s advice, and do the National November Writing Month challenge. After completing the Nanowrimo this year I was inspired to keep forging ahead to finish he final pages of my first novel draft.
Achieving this feat in itself has pushed the fears back, the holdings they won when I lost writing contest after contest, defeat had chipped away at my invisible armer, doubt managed to creep in through the cracks until I took that challenge. I realized that I could do a lot more than I thought I would ever accomplish. It no longer became a game of “I will do it this year” and more of a “I’ve done it. Now what am I going to do with it?” question I am pushing myself to answer in the new year.
I’ve begun to start looking at the steps I’ve taken, along with the set backs and I smile at where I now stand. I didn’t start in the beginning I took small steps- posting poetry online, reading more bookings on writing, exposing myself to more writing communities, listening to their struggles which slowly allowed me to eliminate the ‘I couldn’t” from the equation. I reenergized the Dream troops’ ranks so that they were armed with a bit more of an advantage against the ‘I can’ts” because I did. I now look a the year ahead as a place for growth, discovery, challenging and answering questions and let the goals unfold as I go.
I’m slowly accepting that failure is part of the journey and I am working on not letting it hold me back. It will definitely be a game of give and take.